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The random ramblings of a slightly delusional redhead  I'm all moved into my apartment. Kris and I keep talking about how it seems like longer than it has been, since we started dating it's been that way. It feels like it's been like this for so much longer than it has. I've only been in my apartment for two weeks. On a different note, my mom called me today because Patience went to California. She's worried of course, you know how moms can be. I guess she's staying for a month. Now it's my job to get contact information for my mom so she doesn't have to worry like crazy. Although she probably will anyway. Also, my sister Sara is going to have a baby girl. They're going to name her Aryanna Lynn. In case u didn't know Lynn is my middle name. So I'm pretty excited about that. On a related topic, Rachel is supposed to call me today to tell me what her baby is. I can't wait. My dad's pretty sick. He's all jaundice again and nobody seems to know whats wrong with him. This is the second time this has happened so hopefully they can figure out whats wrong and prevent it from happening again. He had to apply for temporary disability because he missed too much work. I don't know what I'd do without him. He's the coolest guy I know. and he's my friend. I just want him to be ok. Current mood:  hungry.
I have to say, since the last time I posted any actual thoughts in here a lot has changed. I never thought I was going to get over Mike but it turns out it was a lot easier than I thought. I think it's really important for me to say this, if there's something you really want to do but you're afraid of how things will turn out, just take the chance. You don't know how long you get so you might as well try to enjoy yourself while you can. I'm not talking about drugs or anything like that..it could just be something simple. I just feel like everything I've gone through was worth it in the end, because I didn't walk away from the things I wanted from being scared. I may have been hurt a few times but thats just life, and I've known life was like this for a long time. That's how it was with Mike, I knew if I let go and let myself fall I might get hurt, but I wanted to experience it just the same. It did hurt, it hurt bad, but it was also the most feeling I've felt go through me at one time, and I think it's the most spectacular thing. I don't just say this because of the situation with me and Mike though. With my current boyfriend, I've actually liked him as long as I've known CJ, I was always just too afraid of him hurting me or using me because I know how he used to be, I know how he treated Rachel..it wasn't very..gentlemenly(is that a word??oh who cares..) But he told me he changed..and I gave him a chance, and he's the sweetest most gentle man I know.and I love him more and more every day. aaanyway...I'm going to post a new journal when I have my phone turned on...if u cant wait im me i might be on sooner than i post a journal. Current mood:  thoughtful.
105 Facts About You 1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT Ring? nope 2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP? 1 1/2 years...... 3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED? umm...i cant remember 4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE? yes..sooo many times.and once i even dropped someone elses. 5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? God... long time ago.a year or so ago 6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?gas.food. 7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE? wendys 8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? Eyes,personality 9. ONE FAVORITE SONG? well...since u specified one of my favorites is 'duck and run' by three doors down 10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? soon i live in endicott. 11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED: southern nash senior high and owego free academy 12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER: used to be net 10. now i dont have one. 13. FAVORITE MALL STORE: hot topic or spencers.spencers just for all the black light stuff and the pot leaf stuff 14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD: dunkin donuts in owego...a year.lol. 15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE? technically..it's a few of those ones with lots of sides. a clear one with one inside it and a blue one. 16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?: used to when i was like..8 17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED: like i remember 18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY: id call rachel..then my dad.then everyone else.no offense guys!! 19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND: few months ago,she is awesome.and she has a baby in her tummy 20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT: Taco bell 21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD: i could never cheat on you. 23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS? anywhere.i love being around my friends 24. CAN YOU COOK? um not really..not according to kris anyway..lol. 25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?: dont drive... Yet 26. BEST KISSER: omg..well...i love kris to death...but the best kisser ive ever had is my ex mike 27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: yesterday 28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS: lima beans. asparagus 29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF: my hair and my bootilicious behind..oo!and my freckles 30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF: i need to lose about thirty pounds..and i have a mole on my neck and one on my face and they grow hair..yea..its gross. 32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB? 12 hrs 33. FAVORITE MOVIE? i cant pick one..i love movies..so ill just tell u a few i like.fight club.what dreams may come.benny and joone 34. CAN YOU SING? Yes.sometimes 35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED? idk 36. LAST KISS? today.i get lots of kristopher kisses 37. LAST MOVIE RENTED: shyea...like i waste my money on renting things. 38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT: keys.(even though right now they arent to anything,lol.) 39. FAVORITE vacation spot?: i've never gone on a real vacation..ive had weekend trips to the beach..i loved those.so ill say the beach,outbanks NC 43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?: desktop 44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?: dane cook 45. DO YOU SMOKE? no.cigarettes are nasty 46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES? without. 47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?: kris 48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?: nope 49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE? never. 50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST? pancakes with ice cream on top 51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?: yes 52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? scrambled, with ketchup 53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?: I guess 54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?: my sister 55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?: idk 56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED?: mike. 58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?: 4 59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: booty shorts and a tye dye 60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC: this world cannot bring me down no cause i am already here.im already here, down on my knees.im already here. i must have told you a thousand times im not runnin away 61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?: strawberry 62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?: not even maybe 63. CAN YOU SWIM? Yes 64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM? grape.or death by chocolate 65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS? No.as a matter of fact i hate geography altogether.lol. 66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: I like the way tattoos feel when im getting them. 68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?: nope 69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON ?: Fall 70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID? myself.earlier.i swallowed my tongue ring at work 71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ? 8.then 11. 72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?: big comfy sweaters arent too hot to wear 73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?: never 75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?: midnight 76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?: cool 77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?? this?working.next weekend?moving. 78. BIRTHDATE feb 7th 79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE: a writer 85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?: No 87. ARE YOU SMILING?: no 89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW kinda.even though hes just in the other room.i want more kisses.lol. 90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO? the beach. 92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?: No 93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?: i am dating him. 94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME? i like the name mareous.i also like the name reign bau 95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?: i dont have one right now 96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?: if i was still going it would 97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?: no 98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?: No 99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?: Yes.i have two of them 100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?: No 101. ARE YOU IN LOVE?: yes 102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL? Yes 103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW? Yes 104. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING? nipple rings.lip ring.tongue ring.cartalage. 105. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY? Sleep probably. It's been a while. I didn't really feel like writing in my journal because my thoughts are pretty depressing. It's just so tough to try and be happy when you know that the person you want to be with has given up on being with you. I remember when I used to feel like I had goals. Now it seems like my only goal is to try and be nice to everyone when it feels like my world is falling apart. It really sucks because I got more hours so I could save money and now I have like...none left because I've been helping my dad out. I dont know...I havent even been able to write anything for the longest time...I've tried too...believe me I've tried. I just cant get Mike off of my mind. Every where I go I think of something he said or something he did when we were in that place or I remember talking to him about a place. It sucks because I used to be so good at moving on and forgetting about the stuff that hurt me and now I just keep dwelling on it. I keep seeing his face and hearing his voice....I feel like im going to go insane. and he made me promise to leave him alone for a while because when we're around each other we end up kissing. Current mood:  depressed.
I'm gonna spend the whole day with mike..and have fun. I'm already having a great day. And totally loving the fact that I have three days in a row off. Yea, that's right, I start sentences with the word 'and'; what are u gonna do about it?!.... Aaaanyway...for those of you who dont know, I got my nipples pierced for a christmas present from mike. Loves ya! ( my xmas stocking ) So...I have a solution to paying off my tuition bill, but everytime I think I'm taking money into school the next day my dad isn't around to get it for me. I'm now stuck with a dilemma. I have to figure out a way to nicely ask dad to get the rest of my money out of his account and go get my own id because this isn't working anymore. I shouldn't have to wait around for a week for my own money. It's hurting my credit and I'm not cool with that. And apparently my dad hasn't payed rent in three months, so now we are in a predicament and I have no money for college. Anyway, I guess I'm a little less stressed out. Also, lately I've noticed that I changed without realizing it again. I feel...I don't know...I just feel different. I also have a few new story ideas; which is a pretty big deal since I havent even thought about writing one in a while. I think it works out nicely though because I'm not going to be at school for spring so I can write in my spare time. If you want to read my stories it's gonna be a while because I can't type stories(major writers block). I write better so I'm just going to write them in notebooks and transfer them to deviantart. I guess that's all for now. It's winter in new york.harrah...I really need to do my laundry because I'm wearing summer clothes when it's supposed to feel like ten below outsides...Dammit. Anyway..I have to go to student service building later...and yes im not using proper grammer...thats how i talk when im cold.:-D. Yeeea...sara had surgery yesterday. And i gotta go see her today. Hopefully i can figure out a way to do my laundry and help with the kids in the same day for sara but we'll see how it goes. bah-bye. I figured out how to pay off my tuition bill...it's just kind of stinky because now I can't even registar for spring classes until it's paid off..now I have to use all of the money I have saved up(which could have been used as a deposit for an apartment)and use it to pay off tuition and figure out a payment plan. This is somewhat depressing. I can't really discribe the way I feel right now. I'm not disappointed or angry..I don't feel stupid or anything like that. I guess I just feel strange. It's strange that I have a whole semester completed of college and now I'm stuck at a stand still because I didnt fill out financial aid or get any loans. You can bet that next time around I'm taking care of that first thing. It sucks though..because if I'm not registared I'm never going to see mike. Well...I'll keep updating and letting you guys know how things are going. Love you. Current mood:  scared.
I don't really know what to write, but I felt like a journal entry was appropriate for some reason. Mike is the greatest guy. Every single time I think about him it makes me want to smile. I'm still having trouble convincing myself that I could be liked by someone like him but I suppose if he hasn't felt sick of me yet I at least have that going for me. Life is strange. I know time hasn't stopped but I feel like I have. It's like time is just forging ahead and I'll never be able to catch up. Sometimes I feel like I need a break and I want to just cry and let out all my frustrations at once, but then I remember that I can't stop now because I want to make something of myself. I forget things far too often, but I'm trying to work on that. I occasionally wonder if I really want to do things this way...it seems a bit late to be second guessing things but I'm the only one who knows my stress level. I really need to sit down and have a talk with my dad. It kind of sucks to think about though, because I know how proud everyone is of me for going to college. It's just really hard....I technically shouldnt even be allowed to registar for spring semester..as a matter of fact, that's why I haven't tried to because I don't want to find out that I can't. I also have this unbearable urge to move out of my dad's house. I just want to be out on my own already. It might sound a little immature but I'm sick of rules and having to let everybody know where I am. I just want to....I don't know. It just seems like it would make things less complicated if I could just do things my way. (I can almost feel people wincing when they read that sentence)I want to be a writer so bad but I'm just so distracted. It's so hard to go to school, have a job, keep in touch with friends and deal with family problems all at the same time. It's not even so much family problems as it is me not knowing exactly how to be a good sister...I always wonder if I could be doing something differently. I just really need to talk to my dad..or mike...or someone.*sigh* I just don't know sometimes. Current mood: distressed.
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